Epi-What?

Among everything else in the world (aside from cockroaches, horses, and pine trees), I am allergic to peanuts. This allergy is kind of a pain in the neck, especially considering that at one point, in the hazy past of my early childhood, I frequently enjoyed what I remember as amazingly delicious peanut butter treats. Plus, it seems that peanuts are in everything and most factories just have peanut fights where employees chuck the little things at each other, contaminating everything in a seven mile radius. How else can you explain the warnings on the back of things such as brownie mix, Swiss Rolls, naan, or even the occasional pre-made sandwich?

As someone who is allergic to everything but may have to deal with anaphylaxis with peanut contaminated bagels, I do carry an epipen. I have one in my purse, one in my medicine cabinet, and some random, ever-so-slightly expired ones around my apartment and my parents' home. They are just a thing I have to carry. Whatever.

Today, for the first time ever, I saw a television commercial for Epi pens. At first confused, I became more and more amused. Apparently, this shot of epinephrine is not a cure-all. You still need to seek medical attention after using it. Also, you're not supposed to give yourself a shot in your butt. Who knew?

I  can't find the epi pen commercial on youtube right now, but when I do, I will share it with you.

Also, the advertisement urges you to ask your pharmacist if an epi pen or epi pen junior is right for you or your child.

Are there people out there who know they have severe allergies but whose doctors just decide not to prescribe this emergency shot of epinephrine? Maybe these people need a new doctor.

A Letter to My Local Mormons

Dear Mormons of Rochester,

I'd just like to let you know that I did see your cute little advertisement while I was out walking, and I would like to respond.

First of all, I really appreciated that it was done in chalk on the bike path along the river. Using chalk instead of a billboard as your medium made you seem much more friendly and approachable. I won't lie to you - Those commercials where people kept turning out to be - SURPRISE! - Mormon actually made you seem like a creepy bunch.

You see, I don't care what religion people are, and to be honest, all the Mormons I have met seem like perfectly lovely people. Unfortunately, this ad campaign even made me start to think, "Oh my gosh! They're everywhere!" Frankly, it brought up feelings similar to those of people in horror movies when they realize their neighbors are actually zombies.

Your chalk advertisement today, however, was adorable. I even stopped to read the entire thing, and I must say, I am impressed with how neatly and legibly everything was written. Believe me, as a school teacher (and child at heart) I have spent plenty of time trying to work with sidewalk chalk, but you really seem to have it mastered.

Also, your diagrams were clear and uncluttered.  I understand that I have to live on earth and then be judged before I can move into the Celestial Kingdom. If I can recall any part of your diagram, I think you can peg that as a success.

You also did a really nice job interspersing your website across that particular section of the bike path. The website ( mormon.org ) is very easy to remember. I even briefly visited it upon returning home. Well done especially with that part of the advertising.

On your website, however, I see a spot where I can "Meet Mormons". I understand being able to type in your age and even your gender (some people only like to speak about religious things with others of the same gender), but ethnicity and "keyword" is a little bit much in my opinion. Others may feel differently, however, and you may have already had a lot of success with that little search box option.

One suggestion I would like to make concerning your sidewalk chalk advertisement is that it would be helpful if all the words on the diagram were facing the same direction. Again, I will say that everything was impeccably neat and legible, but in trying to move around in order to read everything, I almost got hit by a biker. That really isn't very safe. In the future, I would consider choosing one vantage point and really focusing on making everything work with that.

Unfortunately, I would like to decline your offer to become Mormon or even learn about becoming Mormon. You see, I am already Catholic, and I'm not even very good at that. I can only imagine I would be a worse Mormon, and you really aren't looking for people like me, although I appreciate the offer.

So, all in all, even though I generally become somewhat enraged when I encounter such blatant proselytism when going about my daily life, your advertisement was pretty unoffensive. Frankly, I don't like being slapped in the face with other people's beliefs. It is really the same issue I have with certain vegans I have met. I like cheese, ok? Leave me alone. It is kind of the same thing.

To recapitulate, I didn't hate your advertisement on the bike path along the Zumbro River. Despite usually curling my nose up at such things, I did stop and read everything and didn't even become enraged. It was neat, tidy, friendly, and overall you should give the folks responsible a nice pat on the back or high five or something. Still, I am not going to convert to your religion.

Sincerely,

Ivy McDougalhopper