Because I'm Awesome (#9)

Last night I melted a bag of cat treats. Then, I tried to change my shower head only to realize that I myself am not strong enough to get the new part on tight enough so the water doesn't spray out in all directions. Now I have to wait for Mr. Sturm to come visit on Sunday to fix it, so I think I need to go to my parents house earlier than planned today to shower.

Finally, Squeaky has a furball on her back leg that I want to cut off before it gets any worse, so I chased my cat around for a while this morning with a scissors. Goodness only knows what an observer would have thought. Eventually I gave up, because even when I caught her, I couldn't hold her down and cut off the furball in what I felt would be a safe way. Now I have two jobs for Mr. Sturm on Sunday.

In good, less incompetent news, it is Spring Break for me! Monday and Tuesday I get to go to a bed and breakfast in Lanesboro, Minnesota. Then, I'll putz around at the cabin for a while before returning to my folks' home for Easter. Yay!

I Live With My Cat

Squeaky, my cat, prances around my apartment like she owns the place. Even though I pay the rent with the money I earn at my place of employment, she seems to think she is the boss. When I come home from a grueling 8-15 1/2 hour day at work and school, I sometimes come home to insistent, not-so-polite demands from a seven pound little fluff ball.

And she can be very persuasive.

On multiple occasions now, I have tried to reason with Her Highness. Certainly, I always think (because I am insane), if I clearly describe to this cat why the apartment is obviously mine and when I come home at 10:30pm after leaving for work at 7:00am, maybe I don't want to play, but would rather zone out in front of reality tv on my couch, she'll understand. Certainly, I reason with myself, if I explain to her that I bought this food, it is mine, and could she please stop trying to eat my breakfast cereal while I check my work email, she will back off. 

This is because I am crazy. It never works.

Evidence this is my apartment

Evidence this is Squeaky’s apartment and I am her slave

·         I pay the bills. ·         There are pieces of furniture obviously intended for human beings in this house. ·         There is slightly more human food than cat food available. ·         The cat does not have keys to get in and out. ·         My stuff is everywhere.

·         I feed the cat before I feed myself. If this is not done in the proper order, I get yelled at. ·         The cat decides when I should wake up. ·         The cat can sit or sleep on my furniture. I am not allowed to sit on hers. ·         She is here all the time, while I am gone probably more than I am here. ·         There are cat toys everywhere. ·         The cat gets the best seat in the house. ·         When sleeping, I sometimes hesitate to roll-over for fear of disturbing the cat sleeping on me. ·         The cat decides when we have conversations. ·         The cat decides when she shall be entertained and when I shall go about my otherwise dull existence.

Final Score:
Me: 5
Squeaky: 9

Well, I guess I live with my cat, then.

What I'm Thankful For (2011)

As I sit on my couch eating rather stale Tootsie Rolls I found in a plastic baggie at the back of the shelves in the kitchen, it is taking both of my arms and one of my legs to fend off my overly affectionate cat. Since I was out of town for (American) Thanksgiving, she apparently missed me and insists on sitting on my neck or face or shoulder or something, even though I am sitting bolt upright. If you use your imagination, you can see where we might be having some problems.

But other than fending off Squeaky, I also have a couple of minutes to belatedly devote to thinking about what I am thankful for. As an elementary school teacher, I am going to present them to you second-grade-style using standard sentence stems. You'll need to continue using your imagination and pretend that each of the following sentences is written on a construction paper turkey feather sticking out every-which-way from a lopsided construction paper turkey.

I am thankful for my decent health and strength which allows me to work, play, and live comfortably.

I am thankful for my family who supports me and tries their best to understand me.

I am thankful for my friends who make me laugh, counsel me, and take me just the way I am.

I am thankful for a cat who is healthy even in her old age and who brings such entertainment, love, and humor to my little apartment.

I am thankful for my job which every day brings challenges of different sorts, provides me with my living, and gives me the opportunity to interact with and learn from some amazing people.

I am thankful for my students who amaze me, make me laugh, make me proud, and even make me adore them when they have me pulling my hair out and twitching.

I am thankful for a safe, comfortable home where food is always available.

I am thankful for my sense of humor, because without it, life would be much more difficult than it needs to be.

I am thankful for the man who loves me, who makes me laugh, reminds me it is alright to slow down every once and a while, and seems to think that I am someone special. In fact, he does a rather good job making me feel that, despite my quirks, I am a good person.

I am thankful for the ability to play the piano as it brings me and (occasionally) my family such joy.

I am thankful for literature, because without books, I would be lost. As the cover to my nook says, "Books are a finer world within the world", though they are no replacement for your own life, rather to be used as an enhancement.

I am thankful for the educational opportunities I have had that have helped shape me as a professional, educator, permanent student, citizen, and human being.

I am thankful that I am alive because even the days I spend more time crying than laughing couldn't be traded for anything better.

9 Reasons a Cat is a Better Pet than a Hermit Crab

 

VS

1. Cats respond to their names. Have you ever seen a hermit crab that responds to its name?
2. Hermit crabs do not talk to their owners, but cats can have very animated "conversations" with people. Besides the vocalization of their thoughts, needs, and wants, cats have very expressive body language.
3. A cat will play with you. You can dangle string, feathers, or a plastic rodent, and if the cat is in the mood to play, they will go nuts! Hermit crabs walk around their cages. That's about it.
4. Cats can do cool flips and jumps. Again, hermit crabs walk around in their cage.
5. A cat can snuggle with you at night, but if you slept with your hermit crab, you would probably roll over on it, crushing it with the weight of your body. Plus it might pinch you with its little claws and poop in the bed.
6. Many cats are very intelligent and can even solve problems or little puzzles. Hermit crabs are not particularly known for their intelligence.
7. Cats were worshiped as deities in ancient Egypt. No known civilizations or societies that we know of worship or bow down before the hermit crab.
8. A cat will keep your lap warm in the evening as you read your book or do your crossword puzzle and drink tea. You'd need at least 75 hermit crabs to cover your lap, and even then I don't know that it would actually keep you warm. Besides that, having 75 hermit crabs in my lap might give me the heeby-jeebies.
9. I have never seen a hermit crab act happy to see someone. My cat, Squeaky, greets me at the door when I come home, happy to see me.

Cat Lady Goes Shopping

Yesterday's Hy-Vee Grocery List:

1 container Tidy Cat Cat Litter
1 box organic sensitive systems cat food
7 cans Fancy Feast cat food
2 bags (different flavors) Temptations cat treats
3 frozen dinners (on sale)
2 boxes Macaroni and Cheese
1 bag tortilla chips
1 jar salsa
1 cat toy

The woman working at the checkout looked at me funny, then smiled and asked how many cats I have.

On The Road to Spinsterhood

It may be a not-so-winding road, or perhaps more of a slippery slope, but irregardless of the analogy you prefer, all evidence points to me being well on the way to spinsterhood.

Very Scientific and Accurate Definition of "Spinsterhood":
A woman who has remained single long beyond the conventional age of marriage who perhaps also holds the occupation of spinning. She probably knits, has at least one cat she treats as her child, prefers to do lame activities, drinks tea, and certainly does not go out carousing on the weekends.

Based on this definition that I half made up based on mostly out-dated stereotypes observed in the media, I am well on my way. I try to knit. I have a cat who thinks she is a person, probably because I usually treat her as if she is a person. I prefer drinking tea and participating in "lame" activities such as playing board games, doing crossword puzzles, reading texts related to my job, and going to movies by myself. I am also of the opinion that going out to bars or dancing in public while scantily clad is not all it is cracked up to be.

Yesterday was Friday. I went in to work early to do some paperwork and cleaning. I stayed late at work to volunteer at the winter carnival at our school. I was gone from 7:25 am until a little after 9pm, and it crossed my mind more than once that my cat, Squeaky, was going to be annoyed and give me an earful upon my return home. She does not like when I am completely absent for such long periods of time without coming home and checking on her.

Once I got home, I immediately put on my pajamas, made tea, and settled down on the couch with pillows and several blankets to watch sub-par television. I'll admit I watched edited for regular TV episodes of "Sex and the City". Then I fell asleep early on the couch with my cat in my lap and had to drag my half-asleep self to my bed. That was how I spent my Friday night.

Today is Saturday. I spent the morning making myself a breakfast of a mocha, a pain au chocolat, and some cereal, and I ate it on my real dishes that even match. Following my breakfast, I putzed around the house for a bit, straightening up, folding laundry, making the bed with clean sheets, etc. Then I took a long, hot shower and vacuumed, fluffed couch cushions, and did dishes while my hair dried.

Don't worry. I did leave the house, today. I went to a movie all by myself. I went to the matinee of "Unknown" and had popcorn and pop, because why not live it up, right? The theatre was pretty packed with me, many middle-aged couples, and right before the show, two relatively attractive guys about my age sat one seat away from me. Choosing to ignore their presence, once the show began I ate popcorn like no one was watching. As the Protagitron knows, this means I ended up with about equal parts in my mouth and down my shirt. I am exaggerating a bit, but not much.

After the movie, I went in to work for a while and sat in the computer lab listening to my ipod, doing research on practice TEAE tests and ordering my copies for next week. Now it is Saturday evening, I have no plans or intentions to go out on the town or even meet up with people. In fact, I am looking forward to making Indian food and watching a movie by myself.

It won't be long, folks, before I look like this:

Does anyone know where I can get a reasonably priced rocking chair and a chain like that for my glasses?

The Cat House

Today I made a cat house instead of reading about renaissance art and architecture.

I went to the grocery store hungry today and ended up buying approximately half the store. In a moment of decadence, I bought two kinds of cookies and three kinds of meat. As I pushed my cart towards the cash register, it became clear that I would have to have my smorgasbord delivered because there was no way I could carry it all home. Of course I never really intended to carry my groceries home, because I knew I would go a little overboard today. I think I should also note here that I spent enough that I got two free heads of broccoli.

The groceries were delivered while I was making some soda bread, so my hands were all sticky and I couldn't unpack them right away. When I eventually did get around to unpacking them, Mr. Claws and Pistache, my roommates cats, excitedly helped me, hoping to get a bit of salami, cheese, or whatever else they could grab while I had the fridge door open. Mr. Claws then decided to sit in the empty box. Sitting up straight with a look of superiority, it was clear the box was no longer mine. Just for kicks, I picked up Pistache and put him in as well. The two-cats-in-a-box plan lasted less than 2 minutes before Mr. Claws evacuated leaving Pistache alone with a look of smug self satisfaction. Sometimes the two tolerate each other, but mostly they argue and let their annoyance with each other be generally known.

This gave me an idea, and later that day I took out a giant knife from the kitchen and went into our little library. Here I stabbed and sawed at the big cardboard box. I managed to make a normal cat sized door and a Pistache-Legros-sized entrance that can be open and closed. Feeling creative, I cut out windows and holes at different heights and of different shapes and sizes. Since I am perhaps one of the clumsiest, unluckiest people still alive, it is truly a miracle that I did not cut off a finger, let alone fatally stab myself. To make the cat house homier, I put an old folded towel in the back, then hung some strings from the ceiling and placed some toys inside.

I managed to lure Mr. Claws in with a cat toy tied to a string, and he figured out the purpose of the cat house pretty quick, whereas Pistache was confused and only entered when clearly given the enticement of cat treats.

My roommates seem fairly pleased with my project, and we have plans to decorate both the inside and outside of the cat house and perhaps even add another level (for Mr. Claws only).