The Perils of Being a Grasshopper

Yesterday, while sitting on the edge of the pool, I saw a grasshopper struggling to stay afloat in the water. First, since Mr. Sturm was closer, I asked him to remove it. When it became clear that Mr. Sturm would have no part of playing lifeguard to the insects I spotted in the pool, I went in to get it myself.

I easily scooped out the little grasshopper, letting the excess pool water drip out from between my fingers. Then, I set the little guy on the edge of the pool, and verbally instructed him to hop away. Mr. Sturm said that I needed to give him a moment to dry off before he could hop, but I was determined this grasshopper would not hop right back into the pool the moment I turned my back. Thinking I was acting in the best interest of the grasshopper, I started tapping the ground behind the grasshopper, causing him to hop, hop, hop towards the woods. Once out of my arm's reach, I decided my work was done, and smiled at this grasshopper, certain it was grateful I had helped save its life.

Then, a bird swooped through the air, and, without even stopping to touch the ground, grabbed the little grasshopper and flew away, probably to devour him headfirst. Needless to say, my self-satisfied grin from saving the grasshopper turned to a jaw-dropped, "Wha-at? Whoa! Did you see that?"

Later, I rescued a beetle. My nervous eyes scoured the sky as the beetle scuttled off, but, smaller and perhaps a bit smarter, the beetle hid in the cracks between the bricks.

I Can't Even Re-Read This To See If It Makes Any Sense

I'm on this new asthma medication that is apparently the Superman of all inhalers. My doctor affectionately called it "The New Kid on the Block", which immediately made me think of the concert my friends recently went to as well as the cartoon "Hey, Arnold!" I have absolutely no idea why that cartoon popped into my head. I don't think I've watched it in years.

But I'm on this new medication, on top of a couple of other ones, and I can really tell that this is some strong stuff. Two or three times a day I am supposed to use the peak flow meter and then graph my L/minute. I've been hovering below the 400 mark for a while, even though I should be closer to 500. Twenty-four hours after starting with this new inhaler, I am up to about 450. Holy Moly, right?

Unfortunately, there seems to be some sort of side effect. Oftentimes I joke about having adult onset ADD, but much like the summer I was on Advair and prednisone and a million other things, I feel totally wired. I'm all jittery and have a hard time focusing. Today at lunch with a friend, I got a little over excited about what we were talking about, and my hand started to shake a little. Whoa.

I baked two different kinds of cupcakes today (half batches). Neither of the cupcakes turned out great, although they are edible, so it is alright. Maybe it would be better if they were gross, though, because then I would just get rid of them instead of trying to feed sub-par but edible cupcakes to my friends tomorrow.

It was all I could do, however, to stop making food. My friends don't really want a pot roast and cheesy potatoes with glazed carrots tomorrow. We'll probably just order pizza. I was really tempted though.

While I was making the two different kinds of cupcakes, I was also planting flowers and doing the dishes. Every actual productive project around the house (such as laundry or cleaning the bathroom), it was like I forgot why I was doing it in five seconds and wandered off.

Having conversations has been interesting today, too. I can tell that I am talking faster than normal and not stopping for punctuation, but I can't really help it. I feel my eyes darting around as people talk to me, but again, I can't seem to focus. Linnea was just on the phone with me, and she laughed at me because I just could not stick to a topic.

It is kind of funny, although this could really be bad at work on Monday. I need to speak slowly and not get distracted to easily. I need to be able to switch in and out of subject matter easily, and I NEED TO FOCUS! The kids are going to think I'm insane. I mean, they already think I'm crazy, but now they're going to think I need to be institutionalized.

Sure, it is nice being able to take a nice deep breath, but will this jittery, distractable behavior eventually subside? I certainly hope so because......

What's that?


Is that a dead bug? A dead bug in the windowsill?

I've got to see this up close. Maybe I should get a kleenex? I wonder if the cat killed it or if it died of old age? How long do bugs like that live, anyway? That is a big bug! How did it get in? I sealed up all the spaced around the air conditioner. Where's the cat? There she is. What's she sniffing like that for. I should make a roast. People like roasts. And apple pies. That's what the boys in the war like. WWII, anyway. I saw Captain America......

Fake Spring Brings the Bugs Indoors

So fake spring has come to an end in Minnesota, bringing the much beloved winter back into our lives. There is this woman in my Schools and Society class from California, and one day she was chatting about how nice it was that spring was finally here. Part of me - the sadistic part - wanted to let her continue raving about the weather which would surely only get better from here on out. Unfortunately, I felt it was my duty to tell her the truth about Fake Spring.

You see, in Minnesota, the snow melts sometime around mid-March. The temperature rises to about 45 degrees F, and Minnesotans rejoice, shedding their heavy boots and fluffy winter coats. Some of us, myself included, stop wearing coats altogether. The damp and squishy ground is sufficiently disgusting so as to raise our spirits, and we began chatting with our fellow Minnesotans about the "heat wave". Many men even chose to begin wearing shorts. This is spring weather.

The thing that a true Minnesotan knows that the newcomers do not know, however, is that this is Fake Spring. The snow will melt, the sun will come out, and you may even sweat from walking outside in pants and a long sleeve shirt. A real Minnesotan knows that it is not time to pack away the winter gear just yet. A true Minnesotan knows that sometime in beginning to mid April, winter will return.

A delightful example of this: Last week I drove my car with the windows down, soaking up vitamin D (hoping to make up for the deficiency from the last 900 months or so) and feeling rather warm in a t-shirt and jeans. Today, April 1st, it is snowing. To be fair, I was a little off when trying to tell this woman in my class about Fake Spring. It actually began last night, which was technically still March. Oops.

The point is, Minnesotans know to enjoy this tease from Mother Nature. She may think she is playing a nasty joke on us, but we make the best of it. Naturally there will be some grumbling later today about the weather, but we secretly love it. If you are from Minnesota, you can deny it all you want, but I know you love the end of Fake Spring, the return of winter, and the masochistic wait for real spring.

Anyway, if you are here, happy back to winter, and if you are somewhere warm, I don't want to hear about it. I am going to enjoy my slushy white world where things have just begun to come back to life, but have been brutally frozen to death by cruel Mother Nature.

That's the other thing, see? Fake Spring lures the plants and animals out of hibernation, then ambushes them with sleet and snow, killing a good chunk of the gardens and bugs. Also, it drives a lot of bugs into the house. This means that my family will have to begin vacuuming the ceiling for those Asian beetles that look like ladybugs. These things look adorable and are supposedly good luck and all, but they just stream in through the siding and itty bitty cracks in the window, then our ceiling becomes a giant meet and greet for these things. Occasionally a box elder bug joins the fun.

Beetle #1: Hey, Sue! Isn't it great to get out of the cold and walk around upside down on this giant white surface?

Sue the Ladybug: Why yes! It sure is! That Fake Spring fools me every year! Hey look! It's Bob and Mike and Lois and Allie and Marcus and Greg and Tina!

Beetle #1: Let's all go party over by the light. We should probably just congregate in a small area and move around to make it look like we are planning something.

Sue the Ladybug: Hello Brett the Box Elder Bug! Would you like to join us?

Brett: No think you. Me and my buddies are going to crawl up into beds and nestle into blankets to scare the bejeezus out of the people that live here. Nothing's funner than seeing them scream when we're the first thing they see in the morning or when we get under the covers then crawl on their bare skin while they try to sleep!


So yeah. I am looking forward to vacuuming up Sue and Brett and Company, but not as much as I am looking forward to driving on the slippery roads again!