Cat Lady Goes Shopping

Yesterday's Hy-Vee Grocery List:

1 container Tidy Cat Cat Litter
1 box organic sensitive systems cat food
7 cans Fancy Feast cat food
2 bags (different flavors) Temptations cat treats
3 frozen dinners (on sale)
2 boxes Macaroni and Cheese
1 bag tortilla chips
1 jar salsa
1 cat toy

The woman working at the checkout looked at me funny, then smiled and asked how many cats I have.

Results of the "My Next Minnesotan Adventure" Survey

Since I am a huge geek who is kind of lame, loves history, and goes out to intentionally learn more about stuff in my free time and of my own volition, I love to go on little adventures to museums, historical landmarks, or pretty much any educational thing. Also, since I am kind of weird myself, the stranger, odder, more confusing, or quirkier the adventure, the better. This is why I enjoyed Ye Olde Curiosity Shop in Seattle so much. Of course I sincerely got a kick out of the Jacques Cartier House in Montreal as well that provided this confusing and amusing puppet display.

What is happening here?

 My geekiness clearly knows no bounds, but it always nice to be terribly, nerdily informed about not only the world, but the place where you live. It is for this reason I decided to start exploring southeastern Minnesota. With the weather turning nice, I also decided to focus on outdoor activities.

What should I do on my next MN adventure?

Tour of Mystery Cave in Forestville	(75%)
Bluff Country Studio Art Tour in Lanesboro	(0%)
Niagra Cave tour in Harmony	(0%)
Bird Banding Whitewater State Park	(0%)
Mayowood Mansion tour in Rochester	(0%)
Oxbow Park and Zollman Zoo in Byron	(25%)

As you can see, it seems I will be going to Mystery Cave in Forestville. Now the only questions that remain are when? who will go with me? and should I take the one or two hour tour? 

Unfortunately, only four of you voted. This could be due to the fact that I didn't remind you ever, or it could be that none of you care anything about geeky educational activities available in southeastern Minnesota. Either way, I am a little disappointed. But not that disappointed. I am going to go explore a cave! (Although maybe not until the end of May.) And joke's on you, too, because I still fully intend on going to the Zollman Zoo.

"I Want a Spring Romance" Playlist

The sun was actually shining today, and it was warm enough that I wore a t-shirt and no jacket today. This is amazing because it actually snowed twice last week.

This warm, bright, happy weather has lifted my spirit. Sure I am currently searching for two jobs, my future is extremely uncertain, my allergies are making my voice husky and nose runny, and so what if a fourth grader basically told me my life was pathetic and I was a lost cause. (Correction - not "basically", that is what the fourth grader said.) The sun is out, the sky is blue, and I feel happy.

All this happiness is making me want to direct my efforts towards cultivating a spring romance. I'm turning into a dopey, lovesick sixteen year old girl, I guess. But I suppose worse things could happen.

In honor of my loss of insanity as well as the recent glimpse of spring, I present to you an "I Want a Spring Romance!" playlist. Please enjoy and make sure you sing along nice and loud. Dancing is also required for most tracks.

Spring Romance - Bend Sinister

Obviously this song makes the cut for a number of reasons. The reason it is at the top of the list is, of course, the title of the song. Besides that, Bend Sinister is awesome, the album is awesome, and I really enjoy the song musically. The content speaks to me as well. On the first listening, you might not be too impressed, so I encourage you to listen to it two or three times in a row, then come back and re-listen the next day. You’ll end up really liking it.

I Want You to Want Me - Cheap Trick

I’ve already discussed this song before, but it is truly a great song. Not only does it necessitate crazy dancing and singing out of tune, but, as I’ve asserted before, it is extremely fun to quote in a serious, conversational tone to friends.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers

This annoyingly catchy song has been a part of my life since about the time I learned to ride a bike. It is one of those songs that is both irritating and fantastic simultaneously. In fact, I have recently recovered from a couple-year-spell where I did not particularly care for this song, but now I can listen to it a couple of times in a row and enjoy it more with every playing. It is kind of a sweet song. He’d walk 1,000 miles to fall down at her door. That’s a lot of miles. No one is proclaiming they’d do that for me.

Also, I don’t know what “havering” is, and I know I could easily look it up online, but at this point I feel like it would ruin part of the magic of the song.

And Then He Kissed Me -  The Crystals

This Crystals' hit is one of the many songs on my playlist consisting entirely of 1960’s girl group songs. It is a pretty amazing playlist of cliché lyrics, predictable melodies, non-existent harmonies, and fantastic story lines. The Protagitron was once compiling a playlist of teen love tragedy songs, and I suppose this is my not-as-depressing version. “And Then He Kissed Me” is so delightfully upbeat and fun to sing along with. I also enjoy making funny faces and shaking my hips to this ditty while scrubbing the stovetop. It makes chores more fun.

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

Though it certainly isn’t for lack of trying.

In a Different Light - The Bangles

This eighties hit is a little creepy, but to be fair, many songs from the eighties were creepy or inappropriate. While most people know “Walk Like an Egyptian” and “Manic Monday” off of this album, this track is actually the name of the entire album. It certainly has a driving beat and a catchy refrain. 

She's So High - Tal Bachman

This song really brings me back to middle school. I know that I was a huge dork in middle school, and I know that I am still an enormous geek, and I am ok with that. Recently, Dani went back to our middle school where one of our favorite and most beloved teachers tried to tell her that we were not huge dorks. While I appreciate her effort, I’ve embraced my uncoolness. Anyway, this song was basically on the radio non-stop one year – possibly 7^th grade?

It should be noted that while this song was released on cd, it was also released on cassette tape. Remember cassette tapes? I tried to explain what a walkman is to my first graders last week. It did not go well.

 

Love Man - Otis Redding 

While I'm not a man, six feet something, 210 lbs, nor do I want to take out a bunch of girls, I somehow still connect to this song. I don’t know how. It is in many movies that I enjoy, and I really like to circle my hips and skip around while this song plays.

Syrup and Honey - Duffy

 You may recognize the distinctive voice from the incredibly popular “Mercy”, but I think this song is just as good. I completely agree with her, too. I don’t want any future significant other wasting money on syrup and honey, because I am sweet enough. Also, I don’t want them spending every minute “making a living” because I’d probably like to see them sometimes, too. I assume we are together because we enjoy each other’s company. Anyway, good song, and should I ever be in a real relationship again, I’m sure I’ll feel something similar.

Oh! Darling - The Beatles

Ever since I got my driver’s license, I’ve loved – LOVED – listening to this song at an alarmingly loud volume on repeat while basically screaming the lyrics and using my entire upper body to emphasize certain words. 

If You Wanna Be Happy – Jimmy Soul

I once had a good friend tell me this song gave her hope. She’s of course ridiculous since she is an amazing and beautiful person, although she’d probably deny it until her face turned blue. As someone who is not, shall we say, “pretty”?, I get a kick out of this song. Sure I’m not gorgeous, but there are certainly good things about that. Plus, I love the screaming in the song that reminds me of Scuttle from Disney’s “The Little Mermaid”.

Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side - The Magnetic Fields

Again, I know I’ve already discussed this song, but I really, truly enjoy it. It is one of the songs that really got me interested in The Magnetic Fields. It is quirky and funny and real, and I certainly appreciate that.

Ain't We Got Fun - Doris Day with The Norman Luboff Choir; Paul Weston & His Orchestra

Off my album “Ain’t Misbehavin’”, I can’t help but raise my eyebrows and pretend like I know how to dance like they did back in the Roaring Twenties.

Hold Me Tight - Evan Rachel Wood (from "Across the Universe")

A Beatle’s cover, I actually prefer the version from the movie to the original. “Hold Me Tight” is a good song to belt out at while really shaking it at a stop light on the drive to work. It sounds better if the window is rolled down. It is simple science, really.

You Really Got Me - The Kinks

I actually really like The Kinks, and while this is definitely one of their most popular songs, it should not be discounted because of it. One of the best parts of this song is mimicking some of the interesting vowel pronunciations. Did I mention I’m a huge geek?

Maybe I licked my phone. Maybe I didn't.

Oftentimes I make questionable decisions, especially when I am alone and there is no one near to judge me. Of course, even with people around to judge me and deter me from questionable decisions, I may still proceed because I have little shame. The whole point of being judged by other people - and having a fear of being judged by other people - I think is to make you stop and think twice before doing something that society frowns upon or that just might not be good for you. Sometimes I shrug and carry on anyway.

Take for example, my habit of eating food I find on my apartment floor. (Please note that I do not eat food that I find on the floor in my classroom. That would be gross, and I would certainly have several dibilitating diseases now if I did that.) If I find a piece of popcorn on the rug near the couch, I totally eat that. If I find a jellybean in bed, even if I can't remember the last time I had a jellybean, I eat it. After swallowing, I might begin to think about how long that jellybean has been in the sheets, but whatever. I have no regrets. A marshmallow falls on the kitchen floor and I don't find it until the next evening. That marshmallow is still good!

Unfortunately, this inability to hesitate before eating food can sometimes backfire. I don't mean that I eat a piece of popcorn that has been under the couch for a month and then I get sick. That could possibly happen, but it would never teach me to stop eating popcorn off my floor. I'm not that smart. (Or maybe I'm just incorrigible and adorably stubborn?) The kind of "backfiring" I am talking about is when I eat something off the floor, out of the couch, or out of the bedsheets, and it turns out not to be food. Maybe it is a piece of fuzz. Maybe it is something else. I don't know.

Maybe just now after eating popcorn, I sat back down and thought I saw a piece of popcorn on my phone. Maybe I then licked my phone to make sure that the popcorn made it into my mouth and didn't fall on the floor and also to get over the need for an intermediary (my hands). Maybe then that piece of popcorn turned out to be a piece of paper. Maybe I hesitated before spitting it out.

Maybe.

My Next Big Investment?

Are you sick and tired of normal toilets? Yeah. Me, too. If your current toilet only does standard toilet-y things, then your current toilet is not only sub-par, but lame.

Luckily, Kohler has created a new super-toilet that I'm sure will be in all American and Canadian homes by the end of this year. According to David Kohler, the company's president, "The luxury market's coming back in this country and (is) very strong in other parts of the world. This product is targeted at those consumers who want the best -- they want the latest in design and technology (and) want a fashion statement in their home." (USA Today) I couldn't agree more. As a United Statian (I'm convinced this will catch on.), I am always thinking about how the perfect way to integrate more technology and design into my home is to buy a really expensive toilet.

Oh, no - wait - that's not right. I have the bare minimum technology in my home, which is decorated primarily with used or clearance furniture as well as an eclectic variety of artwork, vases, trinkets from my travels, and books. While none of it goes together, I like to believe their is cohesiveness in the discontinuity of my decor. Also, I'm a renter, so the last thing I would think about spending money on is a luxury toilet.

Perhaps I am an American anomaly, however, and the rest of you are all lusting after fancy deluxe toilets. If that is the case, then you are going to be extremely excited by Kohler's Numi toilet.

As you can see from their website, the Numi toilet is an amazing piece of art with extraordinary features in design, comfort, and control. Not only does this toilet look really cool, but it has several, necessary technological features. Some of them actually seem like they would be pretty nice, such as the heated seat. The foot warmer also seems pretty nifty, although not really necessary. We have already invented socks, after all.

But while some features, such as the above mentioned, seem luxurious in a very reasonable way, the many other features of the Numi toilet verge on ridiculous. The toilet is covered in motion sensors, I guess, so that the lid raises and lowers as you go in and out of the bathroom. Even more sensors at the floor level have the toilet deciding for you if the seat should go up or down. I won't lie to you friends - If I walked into my bathroom more than half asleep at 3am, the whole movement of the lid going up and down might scare the living daylights out of me. It isn't just a little movement. Check it out.

Of course the advanced bidet functionality with integrated air dryer offers more than one setting. Not only can you choose the wand position, water temperature, and pressure, but you can choose between an oscillating, pulsating, or wave patterns. Naturally, the integrated air dryer provides more efficient drying. What did people do before integrated air dryers on their advanced bidet functionalities? That certainly could not have been efficient!

Another delightful feature of Kohler's Numi toilet are the illuminated panels on the side that supposedly create "a soft, inviting glow". My current toilet doesn't light up at all, let alone provide a "soft, inviting glow"!

Perhaps my favorite toilet feature of all time, however, is the music feature. The Numi has built in speakers, and not only can you choose to listen to pre-programmed audio, but you can scan through FM radio stations or the tracks on your mp3 player. How awesome is that? I wonder what kind of pre-programmed audio the Kohler folk chose to put on the Numi? Given its $6,300 USD price tag, I assume it is Handel's "Messiah", Beethoven's 9th Symphony, and various other grand musical compositions. For this price, an actual string quartet should come serenade the person.

I always thought that Japan was the country obsessed with oddly unnecessary technological advances in the field of toilets, but I guess I was wrong. Gone are the days where Japan leads the world in completely unnecessarily advanced toilets. The United States wants in on this crazy.

This young man has made a video of the toilet. I also learned from his blog that the touchscreen mini-pad can operate the toilet from up to twenty feet away. Unlike this man, however, I can understand why you would want to be able to control the toilet from twenty feet away. If a person spends all their money on a toilet, and that toilet has a built in radio/mp3 player, you have to be able to sit in the living room and continue enjoying the features of your ridiculously expensive toilet.

So even though I rent an apartment, I am a young, single teacher with student loans, I am currently scouring the job boards, and I have an uncertain economic future, I am still considering the Kohler Numi toilet as my next big investment.

That's a lie. No, I'm not. I am, however, seriously considering buying a pint of ice cream tomorrow.

Feeding the Birds

This evening I accomplished something I've been dreaming of for about five months now, and it feels good. When I lived with my parents, one of my favorite things was watching the birds. Their house has many windows, and outside many of these windows are bird feeders or bird baths where I could watch a variety of birds from woodpeckers and nuthatches to cardinals and goldfinches.

While living in Montreal, not only did I not have the energy or the level of commitment to purchase, set-up, and maintain a bird feeder, but I'm pretty sure it only would have attracted pigeons. This would have been bad since I don't particularly care for pigeons, and our landlords were actually taking measures to ward off the pigeons. Putting up a bird feeder would have been very counterproductive.

Now in Rochester in my second floor apartment, I have been dreaming of putting up a bird feeder. Right now I can watch the occasional bird in the tree that grows right up against the house, or I can stand at the window and watch them hop around in the yard, but I want more of them up close! Now, I could buy a shepherd's hook and hang it out in the yard, but then I would have to stand at the window and look down. This would mean I would miss a lot of the bird feeding activity. This would be less than ideal.

Growing up one year, my family received a bird feeder with a one-way mirror that hung in the kitchen window. Gradually, the suction cups gave way and that particular bird feeder fell to its death from the kitchen window onto the rocks two stories below, but I got it in my head last month that that was the kind of bird feeder I need.

Since that idea burrowed into my head, I have been casually browsing for such a bird feeder whenever I went to any sort of store. Unfortunately, these window bird feeders are apparently hard to come by. This evening, however, I decided enough was enough and I was going to find that bird feeder, fill it with bird seed, and hang it in the window or die trying! Alright, maybe I didn't want to die trying, but I was pretty determined.

First, I went to the feed store at the corner of Broadway and US-14. Certainly such a place has a variety of bird feeding apparatuses. Most of my parents' bird feeders were purchased at the local feed store in their town. Unfortunately, this particular Rochester feed store is closed on Sundays.

Not at all deterred, I continued on my quest, driving southbound on Broadway. I did a drive-by of the tractor store since I remembered seeing advertisements for birdseed there a while back. After a skeptical look at the outside and a cursory examination of the trucks in the parking lot, I decided that this was probably not the store I was looking for, so I continued to weave through the business park.

It was a bit confusing, but I did manage to zig and zag and make it to Fleet Farm. Once inside, I turned right and found lots of interesting things including camouflage bikinis and archery equipment, but not bird feeders. I asked a gal if they carried bird feeders, even though I was 99% sure they did and probably could have just wandered around the behemoth store and eventually find them. She smiled and chattered away to me about the beauty of an outdoors store as she led me to their enormous bird feeder selection. It was truly amazing, and they had so many that I liked! However, they did not have any that hang in windows, nor did they have any devices that I could find to hang a bird feeder in the window. I was about to go through their stock a bit more thoroughly when it was time for the store to close, so I moseyed back out to my car.

Once in the car, I zipped across the street to Lowe's and immediately found the birdseed and feeder section. While significantly smaller than the selection at Fleet Farm, Lowe's had what I was looking for. I purchased to little window hooks with suction cups that can each hold up to five pounds. Then I purchased a suet cage for less than two dollars, and some nut-free berry suet for less than two dollars. Since I also like birds such as chickadees, I wanted a non-suet feeder as well, but the limited selection made it difficult to find a small feeder that would weight less than five pounds when filled with seed that I could hang practically up against the window. Eventually I settled on a pre-filled sack of seeds that has thistle in it, which should attract goldfinches. This set me back about five dollars.

More than pleased with my purchases, I rode home with the sunroof open, singing along to my music at the top of my lungs. Once in the door, I immediately set to work setting up both feeders in the only living room window that doesn't have a screen. I would hang one up in the kitchen window to watch as I do the dishes, but I don't particularly want to encourage the cat to start sitting in the sink. I could also hang one up in the bedroom window that doesn't have a screen, but I spend almost no time awake in my bedroom, and would not be able to enjoy the feeders as much in there. So, I decided to attach them both to one of the living room windows. Perhaps the neighbor will get a kick out of this as well, as it is the window facing her living room window.

Read for action, I cooked myself some dinner and sat in the living room doing work on the computer and watching television. Alas, no birds have come to the feeder yet. I know that I set the feeders up late in the day, and also bird need time to scope out food sources and will watch a bit before determining the feeders safe, but I can't but help feel a little disappointed. Now a little after 8pm and officially dark out, I will close the blinds, but you can bet they'll be open bright and early at 6am tomorrow!

I fully intend on watching happy little birds eat at my bird feeders every morning while drinking my tea. I'm sure Squeaky will enjoy the new "Kitty TV" as well.

Going Popless

'Tis the season of Lent, in case you didn't know, and this year I gave up pop. It wasn't that I drink a lot of pop, I just noticed that I was enjoying an impulse buy bottle of Coke more often at lunch, or if I went out with friends, they'd often have alcoholic beverages, while I would suck down a couple more Cokes or Pepsis. It just felt like while I wasn't out of control yet, it could've easily gone that way.

And so I decided to nip the problem in the bud and give up pop for lent. And things were going pretty well until today.

Today I had many data meetings at work where we sat in a room looking at enormous spreadsheets of data making decisions and highlighting qualifying markers, etc, and then typing this information into another spreadsheet. It was tedious and not terribly interesting, and everyone else in all of my meetings had a bottle of pop.

OH MAN did I want a bottle of pop. Everyone else was sitting there, chugging their sugary, effervescent goodness while I sat there with nothing but a highlighter and a pen. I couldn't even doodle or write snide comments or reminders to myself on the spreadsheets, because other people had to look at them.

I guess mostly I wanted the bottle of pop as a fidget - something to play with or something to do during the meetings, but truth be told, the extra caffeine and sugar was pretty enticing as well. I managed to stave off temptation, but that was partially because I was scheduled for back-to-back meetings in the same room, so I couldn't even have gone to get one if I wanted to.

But let's pretend it was sheer will. Or even better, pretend I wasn't even tempted.

My Attempt to Move into a Super Secret Jungle Apartment to Save my Loved Ones

Generally speaking, I am a fairly light sleeper, and I wake up frequently throughout the night. Part of this is because for some reason I am not a very well made human being, and if I stay in one position too long, those muscles start to hurt. This means I wake up pretty frequently during the night, although usually just to roll over or curl up or something. Another reason I wake up a lot is that I have very vivid, intense dreams with complicated but very clear plot lines.

You may remember me writing about the dream where I invented Birth Control Cookies. (I still think that would be a good idea.)

Last night I had a very involved dream about how I was trying to stage my own death. Naturally, SpongeBob Squarepants made an appearance.

The dream started with me living at home with my parents again because I am out of a job and can no longer afford my apartment. The house is the same, except it is much bigger and the trees around the house are less like Minnesotan foliage and more like an enormous, wild jungle complete with vines and noisy birds squawking all the time. My bedroom is crammed full of kitchen items, my piano, cat toys, etc. and there are even things hanging from the ceiling and clinking together in the breeze.

For whatever reason, it became apparent to me that my life and the lives of all the people I love were in eminent danger. The bad guys wanted me dead, and they were going to stop at nothing to make it happen. They're plan was clear to me. They were going to start torturing and killing off my loved ones in an effort to get to me, then they were going to kill me by slicing me up into little pieces.

Naturally, I did not want this to happen. In an attempt to save my life and everyone else's lives, I started building a super-secret-can't-even-be-found-by-someone-with-Hollywood-movie-versions-of-government-equipment home out in the jungle. Things were going quite well, although I was grief stricken that I would have to leave everyone and my entire life behind in order to live a life of solitude in my jungle apartment that I had built in about two days. Again, naturally, I would also stage my own death by spreading blood all over a knife and a wall in my bedroom so that loved ones would think I was dead, peg me as a lost cause, mourn, maybe have a funeral, but ultimately be safe from harm.

I began making trips from my bedroom at my parents' house out to my luxury jungle apartment, bringing things little by little. Naturally, I had to be very sneaky about it, and only move things in the dead of night or when everyone was at work. If my friends or family got wise of my plan, they might try to stop me and stand up to the bad guys, or if they knew where I was, the bad guys would get it out of them and then kill them. For some reason, as long as everyone I knew stayed ignorant of my whereabouts, these particular bad guys were just going to leave them alone.

Anyway, so I am bringing my belongings out to my apartment little by little, and on my way back to my parents' house to get the last batch of supplies, I tripped on a rock, got tangled in a vine, and fell head-first onto another rock. When my head hit the second rock, it sliced off a huge piece of the skin on the right side of my head. The pain was excruciating. The skin was still attached, but barely, and blood was oozing out at an alarming rate.

Irregardless of this devastating wound, I had a job to do. I began to wobble around and try to make my way out of the jungle. Eventually, I made it to the driveway, but I was so disoriented from pain and blood loss that I forgot where I was going and started wandering down the driveway towards the street.

Once I reached the end of the driveway, I met a group of children waiting for the school bus. They smiled and waved at me until I got closer, then they all started screaming at me to get away. This was probably due to the massive head wound and the expression on my face. To make matters worse, some hawks and crows started screeching and diving down towards me in an attempt to pick off the flesh hanging from my skull. This upset the children even more, and when the bus driver arrived to pick them up, he frowned and chastised me for scaring the children.

Confused and a little lost, I still knew I had some sort of important deadline to meet. Hoping to jog my memory, I began walking down the bike path. I met some of my neighbors riding horses, but all they could tell me was that maybe I was supposed to be helping another neighbor build a gate to prevent intruders from going up their driveway. This meant nothing to me, so I kept walking. Eventually I came to the unfinished gate at the neighbor's house, and everything came flooding back to me.

I began hobbling back through the jungle, trying desperately to take the most efficient route back to my parents' house to get some food and get back to my jungle apartment before my friends showed up. At this point, I am also limping because I got tangled up in another vine, and I've broken my glasses from walking into a tree trunk, so I'm looking pretty forlorn. I manage to make it back to the house, grab the bag of food, and head out to the jungle.

Unfortunately, the bad guys have arrived. They are not happy, and they shoot me in the right arm, so now I'm gushing blood from my arm and have lost the ability to use it in any way. I dropped the bag of groceries and ran as fast as I could towards the jungle. I knew if I could make it in, I would have a bit of an advantage since I was familiar with the turf, and the bad guys weren't.

Luckily, I made it into the jungle without getting shot again. Unfortunately, my friends are sitting at a table made out of a giant tree stump sitting on stools made out of smaller tree stumps. They invite me to come play a game with them. I knew I couldn't refuse. If I refused, they'd instantly know what was happening, and all of my work would have been for naught and the bad guys would come and kill us all. So, I did what any person in my shoes would do, which is sit down on a tree stump to play SpongeBob Squarepants war.

Completely oblivious to my many severe injuries, my friends dealt the cards. The cards had pictures of SpongeBob characters on them, but the characters were dressed in renaissance clothing. Each card had only one character on it, but the image could be repeated so there were varying numbers of images on each card. Also, in each card, the color of the clothing on the character was different.

Try as I might, I could not figure out the game. I kept losing, and the blood from my head wound kept getting in my eyes and making it difficult for me to react to some plays. Unfortunately, I would not be able to safely leave this stump table until I won a round. Not knowing the rules of the game, and having all my friends refuse to explain them to me, I was at a serious disadvantage. The panic set in as I could hear the bad guys making their way towards us through the think jungle plant life. A monkey jumped on the table and stole my card that had three Patricks wearing purple renaissance outfits.

And then I woke up. I don't think I have ever had a dream involving so much blood before. I think if I had slept another couple of minutes, one of my legs would have been lopped off or something, and I would have been hopping through the jungle with a bleeding stump-of-a-leg.

I'm sure a dream analyst or psychoanalyst or someone would have a hayday with my dreams. It is probably all about my current professional insecurities and uncertainties, but it is more interesting to not think about it that way too much and to approach the dream as a completely separate thing unto itself. It is like its own little story.

It probably means I am insane. Remember how I said I'm getting weirder all the time? Remember when I finally came to the conclusion that I am definitely an acquired taste? Maybe this is the crazy just getting crazier.

And this dream really wasn't as amusing or useful as the Birth Control Cookie dream.

How I'm Getting Weirder Every Day and Am No Longer Fit To Co-Habitate With Other Humans

Eventually I'd like to have a significant other that I return home to each night and wake up to each morning, but lately I've been thinking about living with another person. I have only lived completely on my own without my family or roommates for about eight months now, but I think it may be ruining me. I have reverted back to the ways of barbarians - or at best the ways of a crazy, socially inept person who is stuck in their ways and no one would ever want to live with. Perhaps I could be featured on some nature show where they do an in depth look at young single teachers who reside by themselves.

This whole train of thought was brought on by something I did last night. After returning from work last night, still in my mismatched, sweaty clothes from the epic tennis match hours before, my hair standing on end, and my eyes all squinty from working on a Sunday evening, I proceeded to jump around and sing a couple of songs while the water heated up for my shower. Not knowing the words, I mostly sang nonsense syllables. But this isn't the part about my behavior that worried me. After my shower, I sat on the couch in my pink elephant pajamas eating some Half-Baked Ben and Jerry's straight from the container when some fell on my pant leg, just above the knee. Determined not to waste the ice cream (with the secondary motive of not getting chocolate ice cream on the couch), I placed the container and spoon on the coffee table and tried to pick up the ice cream with my fingers. That, my friends, did not really work since the ice cream was melting too quickly. I then decided to lick it right off of my pants.

I am not the most flexible person, but I dare you to find someone who can easily lick chocolate ice cream off the part of their pants, let's say about a third of the way up the thigh. Even if they could do it, no one could look good doing it. So here I am, contorting myself into different positions in an attempt to lick chocolate ice cream off of my pajama pants. Mostly I wanted the ice cream in my mouth, but also, I didn't really want it on the couch, and I wanted to minimize the damage on the pajamas. After several failed attempts, I decided to start slowly removing my pants - just enough to give me a little more give in the fabric and also to lower the piece of melty ice cream closer to my knee so I could more easily bend and get it.

Eventually, I succeeded.

But my success got me to thinking. Would such behavior be appropriate if I lived with another human, and not just an overly opinionated feline that believes she is a human? If I had a roommate, what would she think if she had come home to see me on the couch with my butt hanging out, licking my pants? Something about it seems socially unacceptable. I think I learned once that it is frowned upon to lick your pants in public. Or maybe it was that you should never partially remove your pants in order to lick off melted ice cream? I really can't remember.

And so, if any of you have ever, will ever, or have ever considered living with me, I have compiled a Top Ten list of reasons I am not fit to co-habitate with other human beings.

1. When I eat, the food doesn't always end up in my mouth. This leads to incidences like the one describe above. Or it could just lead to me walking around with crumbs in my scarf or a soup stain on my collar.
2. I do weird things. Again, I'll bring up the incident described in detail. Also, I may or may not sometimes use a Dirty Dancing workout video, make hilarious attempts at doing push ups or other upper-body exercises, or just do clumsy things like walk into walls, slam my fingers in the cupboard door, trip over my own feet, fall off the couch, etc. Sometimes I find things like a jelly bean in the sheets or a piece of popcorn under the couch. Should I throw that away? Probably. And I would if there were another person there to judge me. However, since I live alone, I eat it. Usually I don't regret it either.
3. I hit the snooze button more than once. I set it for impossibly short amounts of minutes, but insist on hitting it repeatedly, rather than just hit it once and have it set for the number of minutes I know I want to stay laying in bed.
4. I use all of the mugs. I own a ridiculous amount of mugs for one person. Naturally, I have a set of four matching ones for when company come over, but beyond that, I probably have another eight or so. I don't know. I've never counted. The point is, there are enough mugs to go around, and yet most of them seem to be dirty most of the time. I drink a lot of tea, but I also reuse mugs fairly often, so I'm not sure how this happens. It must be a magic trick I can do. It isn't the best magic trick, but whatever.
5. I sing and talk to myself often, and it usually doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I tell myself things, talk to inanimate objects around the house, and sing really loudly. Sometimes, like Marshall from "How I Met Your Mother" I just sing strings of nonsense words. Sometimes I sing strings of nonesense syllables. I don't know what to tell you. I have a degree in linguistics and make a living teaching language, and yet on my own I revert to gibberish.
6. I make a lot of sound effects. Upsetting email demanding more paperwork be done - BAH! Not the food I want in the kitchen - RAWR! Computer going too slow - UUUUUUUGH! Walk into a wall or door - GROMP!
7. I walk around in various states of undress. There's no one here. And I am pretty good about remembering to close the blinds. It doesn't really help that I keep things like underwear, socks, tights, pajamas, and undershirts in the bathroom, but everything else in the bedroom. Still, I may start getting dressed in the morning, but give up partway through because I need my cup of tea immediately. I might come home where it is too early to take a shower and put my pajamas on, but too late to justify changing my clothes. Who wants to take out jeans and a sweatshirt, put them on, get them dirty, only to take them off again almost immediately? On the other hand, I don't want to do dishes in my dress clothes, and it is difficult to get comfy on the couch in work clothes. I could get spaghetti sauce on my dress or cat hair on my pants. So some nights I might walk around for an hour or so in tights and my bra. What? No one else except Squeaky lives here. It's not like the cat wears clothes!
8. I have too many shoes. Seriously. I have a lot of shoes. Where would the other person put their shoes? There's no room!
9. I play the same song on the piano or my ipod over and over and over again. While I like this, another person my find my compulsiveness annoying. I try to only play the piano or listen to my music loudly if I know Downstairs Neighbor is not home.
10. I fold my laundry and leave it on the arm chair for days. Where would anyone else sit? I have basically taken over the entire couch. Just because I usually sit curled up in one corner doesn't mean I don't need the whole thing. Every once and a while I need to sprawl out. But if my laundry is on the chair, my roommate would have to sit.....on the floor? On my laundry? On the piano bench?

As you can see, there may be some issues should I ever live with a roommate again or move in with a significant other. With any luck they'll be just as weird as me so they can't judge. On the other hand, do I really want to live with someone like me? Meh. I'm an acquired taste, but I'm not that bad, right?

When I ate ice cream earlier today, I didn't spill any on my tights, so the incident from last night has not yet been repeated.

Even More Weekend Headlines

Horrible Work Day Prompts Human Resident to Drive Up to The Cities

Ice Cream and Half Price Appetizers Enjoyed
Friends Caught Up With

Family Trip to Cabin
Enjoyable and Restful Time Had by All

Second "Percy Jackson Book" Finished
Pretty Good for a Kid's Book

Epic Tennis Match!
McDougalhopper Loses to Martin 

Residents Re-United After Whole Weekend Apart
Squeaky Tells Her Side 

Sunday Night Work
Sub Plans Completed and Set Out 

Slothful Sunday Evening
Shower, Ice Cream, and Laying on Couch Only the Beginning

Residents Prepare for Storm
Rain Boots Dug Out of Closet

Results of the Survey Where You Help the Protagitron and I Decide Where to Go Next

Recently, the lovely, talented, hilarious, intelligent Protagitron and I went to Seattle. Neither of us lives in Seattle, but we decided to meet there for a number of reasons.

1. I wanted to see the Protagitron.
2. The Protagitron claimed to want to see me.
3. I am a school teacher with a spring break.
4. The Protagitron could not fly to MN.
5. It was too expensive for me to fly to Victoria, BC.
6. We wanted to see Seattle.

The Seattle adventure went so well, and there was so much fun and awesomeness, we have decided that we need a new tradition. I visited the Protagitron when she was living in Montreal in July, and then we met in a major city. Next, the Protagitron must visit me. After that, we will meet up in a major city.

This is where the poll came in. Even though this trip could be quite a ways in the future, it is exciting to plan. That way we can look for deals and have something to look forward to for the many months to come.

Which major city should the Protagitron and I visit next?

Boston	(12%)
New York	(25%)
Chicago	(0%)
LA	(12%)
Mexico City	(0%)
Orlando (Mostly for Harry Potter World)	(50%)

As you can see, we will clearly be going to Harry Potter World. Ms. Protagitron herself has informed me that that is where her vote went. It has been my dream since I was a very small child (pre-Harry Potter) to be chosen to attend a magical wizardry school. We are going to make this happen!

Extraordinary Advances in the Field of Bacon

Bacon is a truly amazing food. There are few things more enjoyable in life than eating an unhealthy amount of crispy, every-so-slightly burned bacon. Not only is bacon delicious, but I have been led to believe it has incredible artery-blocking capabilities.

While many people may judge food based on rarity, difficulty to prepare, presentation, or even cut of meat, I am still in (though just barely) the stage of my life where I can judge food based on how unhealthy it is for me. I don't mean that I judge it like a health-conscious, crazed, vegan person on a diet might judge it. My philosophy is often something along the lines of, "The more sugar, calories, fat, and cheese, the better it probably tastes."

This is why - despite being in my mid-twenties - I continue to eat ice cream for breakfast. Or sometimes I might devour an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. Tonight, I ate an entire box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese by myself. Just out of curiosity, I checked the back of the box for nutrition information and was informed that one box is supposed to feed three people at 360 calories a pop.  I read this before eating, and my reaction was still to shrug and munch on some Wheat Thins and cheese while waiting for the noodles to finish cooking. Then I put all three servings in one bowl and ate it all with a little pepper. Adding the pepper makes me feel like I am eating a real meal. Also, it makes me feel like I might be an adult. I don't know why. It really doesn't make any sense.

But my original point is that bacon is truly an amazing food.

In fact, it is so fantastic and stupendous, it should be considered a food group all by itself. Luckily for the world, the restaurant chain Denny's has seen the light and has wished the United States of America a "Happy Baconalia!", providing us with a spectacular bacon-inspired menu.

I first became aware of these new menu offerings last night when I returned from my Red Cross CPR class. As I plopped myself down on the rug in front of my coffee table, chatting on the phone with Linnea about how my CV kind of sounds inappropriate and getting the laptop ready to do the first round of email checks, a headline introducing Denny's new Bacon Sundae scrolled across. Naturally, that grabbed my attention (the word bacon, and then the realization upon closer examination that ice cream was also involved), and I interrupted Linnea to share the news with her. At first disgusted, I think she may be partly serious when she suggested we go get one next time she is in Rochester.

After speaking with Linnea, I actually checked my email. There, I found I had received an email from my father informing me of this new Denny's creation. It seems the world knows that I love bacon and ice cream. After reading this, the world will have no doubts.

Of course, my exhausted brain tonight was trying to kill some time before going to bed, so I decided to do some follow up research on the Maple Bacon Sundae, only to learn that not only does the sundae exist and include maple-flavored syrup (That's right, folks! Maple-flavored syrup!), but there is an entire bacon themed section to the menu right now!

You can visit the Denny's website to learn more about these fantastic dishes and see pictures. Whatever you do, however, do not bother looking at the nutritional information. Unless, of course, you happen to be a person like me who thinks that maybe that extra 1,000 calories and 900 grams of fat makes it extra-super delicious.

The Hunt Is On!

Cue Wagner's "Cry of the Valkyries"! 

One of the many woes of being a first year teacher - and an LTS at that - is the lack of job security. Sure I am contracted until June, but it is now the time for the panic to set in and the job hunt to begin again. And lucky me! Since the school year runs from September through June, I am currently looking for a summer position and a 2011-2012 school year position. What is more fun than looking for one job? Why, looking for two jobs, of course!

And now, after spending time updating my CV (or resume, if that's what you prefer to call it), re-writing individualized letters of interest, importing and updating applications, and scouring the job boards, I am super exhausted. So exhausted and discouraged am I, so not looking forward to the job search am I, that now - don't judge - I am watching edited-for-regular-TV Sex and the City and drinking chocolate milk (that supposedly expired yesterday) directly out of the container. Life is good, guys.

No. Seriously. How awesome is it that I have a tv, a couch, and chocolate milk? Pretty awesome.

*Doesn't anyone care where the Protagitron and I go next? Even if you don't, vote on the poll in the upper, right hand corner!*

Ramblings of a Crazy Person

Oh how time flies when you are having fun! How can it be that Spring Break is over and I have to return to work tomorrow? I am not prepared! I think we should have the opportunity to ease back into the school day. We could, for example, start with one or two hours of school tomorrow, and build up over the course of the week. Then, next week could be a normal week.

In order to psych myself up for a week of work (and an interview), I have been looking for new songs and games to teach the kiddos. Please enjoy the following.

Princess Pat and her Rikabamboo?



I seem to remember growing up that the girls in Girl Scouts would sing this, but I wasn't allowed to be in Girl Scouts (too girly). This one may be an ok one to teach the kids.

Ladybugs' Picnic:



I LOVED this song on Sesame Street as a child. Maybe if I get creative, I can come up with some gestures and dance moves to accompany this. And if we're going to take this into consideration, another blast-from-the-past childhood song I watched on Sesame Street constantly would be.....

We All Sing in the Same Voice:



It should be pointed out that in English, we don't say "yellow hair" unless it really is dyed yellow - we say "blond". Also, best names ever. They really focused on the little boy with glasses who holds his teddy tight. And one little boy has two daddy's, so that's fairly progressive for the time, although they probably mean his mom re-married and he has a step-dad, but whatever.

"And when it's time for bed, I like my stories read - "Sweet Dreams!" and "Love you!" said - My name is you!"

Really brings me back, guys.

In other news, the Smithsonian Magazine informed me of the following quote: "Although accurate numbers are hard to come by, lore has it that hippos kill more people each year than lions, elephants, leopards, buffaloes and rhinos combined."

And I read on some other websites about incidences where hippos have knocked over boats for no reason, then decapitated the people! And they are herbivores! Why are they so aggressive?

My adult onset ADD is really coming out in this post, as is my reluctance to give up my freedom and return to my life being run by a clock and someone else's agenda. Rather than ramble on further about more things that don't relate to each other, I'll call it quits now and go take a nice shower and have a cup of tea. I can still get some quality sub-par television programming or History Channel in before it is too late!

*Now vote on the poll! DO IT!*

The End (of Spring Break) is Near

Today I tried to get as much work done as possible so that tomorrow, Sunday, can truly count as a day of Spring Break. I vacuumed, did dishes, scrubbed the bathroom, bleached the stove-top, and cleaned every floor in the house with lavender scented hardwood floor cleaner. The house smells fairly decent, now.

In addition to all this, I also got through all but one section of the online CPR course and went into school to clean my classroom and set up for my first five classes on Monday. Am I really, honestly prepared for Monday? No, but the objectives are up, the desks are clean, and the folders, pencils, and handouts are ready. The rest is really up in the air. Will the kids even be ready to learn on Monday? Probably not. Any planning will probably have been in vain. Let it be known, however, that I do have some really awesome, interactive, SIOP-y lessons planned for the next two weeks for all grade levels. We'll just see if with coming back from Spring Break and the MCA II's testing schedule if I get to teach them when they are supposed to be taught.

But back to the cleanliness of my household. It is crazy. The floors are all shiny, there is no dust under the couch or chair in the living room any more, and I really scrubbed the bathroom. There is still, despite my best efforts including a lot of elbow grease and some hard-core cleaning chemicals, a layer of something on the glass shower door. However, I am actually more than ok with this because this morning I could kind of see my outline in the mirror as I was taking my shower. It was extremely blurry, and I only know it was me because I happened to be the only person in the shower at the time, but it was disturbing nonetheless. I'm really not sure how I feel about this development.

There are also clean sheets on the bed and the rugs have been shaken outside. Furthermore, I finally bought light bulbs AND I actually used them - replacing the burnt out ones the same day as the new ones were bought. Granted, some of those bulbs have been burnt out for a couple of weeks now, but let's not dwell on that fact.

This evening was a time for celebratory nachos, and boy were they delicious. In fact, I ate too many nachos, and my stomach is complaining just a bit now. It was hard to say no to the cheesy, guacamole covered bean delight. Do I regret it? No. Alright - maybe I regret it a little, but not that much.

Tomorrow I plan on getting up around 8am, reading my book ("First Families") while drinking tea and having a nice breakfast, and putzing around the house for a couple of hours. I then fully intend on taking a walk down to and around Silver Lake. Maybe I will even take the camera and capture some springtime moments in Rochester. More likely, however, I will forget the camera, but that is fine, too. Maybe I will take that stale roll from my purse and feed it to the ducks. I probably like ducks first, then geese, then swans. Although my feelings on geese can change depending on the situation. Sometimes geese are scarier than swans in that they are there, hissing at you, and swans are nowhere to be seen.

Anyway, a leisurely breakfast and a walk are on the agenda for tomorrow. Hopefully I will make it to bed early so that I can get up bright and early for my 6:30AM phone interview, and make it through this week alive! I'll have to plan something fun for next weekend!

*Now vote on the new poll! The Protagitron and I had a marvelous time in Seattle. Where should we go next? Vote on the poll, but if you have a better idea, let me know in a comment, or send me a message. GO VOTE NOW!*

Reflections from the Bottom of the Book Pile

A friend has lent me "First Family" by Joseph Ellis, I assume because he has learned of my geeky fascination with all things historical (whether they be accurate or not) and because he enjoyed the book quite a bit himself. Always looking for new books, I thanked him and placed it at the bottom of my reading pile, below "The Elegance of the Hedghog" by Muriel Barbery, "Doomed Queens: Royal Women Who Met Bad Ends, From Cleopatra to Princess Di" by Kris Waldherr, "The Bolter" by Francis Osborne , "The Dud Avacado" by Elaine Dundy, and, of course my coffee table book, "Modern American Usage: A Guide".

Having finished "The Elegance of the Hedgehog" during my unfortunate flight delay from Denver to Minneapolis on Monday (and also a little bit of Tuesday), I continued my leisurely reading of "Doomed Queens" and hit "The Bolter" pretty hard. Of course, you may remember that "Modern American Usage: A Guide" is my favorite reference book right now, and I read and re-read bits whenever the mood strikes. Since I am already reading two books for fun (and constantly referencing the work of Mr. Follett), and I have to read "The Power of One" by Bryce Courtenay for book club, and I haven't even started that one yet, "First Family" was at the bottom of the pile. I appreciated the book being lent, but had little intention of reading it until the end of April.

As part of my job, I am expected to constantly continue and further my education in many ways. Luckily for me, my district has a pretty good course catalog. While at the beginning of the year I was a bit too busy, I am taking full advantage of these classes now. The class I am currently taking is to get re-certified in CPR. There is an online portion as well as an in-person portion of the class. We were supposed to get the online portion two weeks before the class (which is on Monday), but that didn't happen. So I decided to bite the bullet and spend my Friday night eating over-buttered popcorn while sitting on my couch in my pink elephant pajamas and completing the required computer portion of the class.

I made it through a good chunk of the material, but after rolling my eyes at one completely ridiculous section concerning when to call EMTs (the portion of that test gave sample "injuries" and you had to decide whether or not to call the EMTs. Chapped lips? No. Excessive bleeding and bone showing through skin? Apparently, yes.), I was searching for a brief, three minute diversion. Rather than get up and walk around the apartment or risk getting involved on something online for a long time, I decided to reach for a book on the coffee table. "First Families" has a preface, and I decided to read it, contemplate for about one minute, then return to work.

Unfortunately, as you have probably correctly predicted, that is not how it went down. I am now completely entrenched (questionable vocabulary choice, I know) in the lives of John and Abigail Adams. The writing stlye of Joseph J. Ellis mixed with the individual styles of John and Abigail Adams in the excerpts of their letters have me completely fascinated. So engrossed was I in this book, I did not realize that I had read to page 30 - an entire 29 pages longer than intended - until there was a new heading.

So naturally I sent a message to the friend who owns the book, closed the coursework on the computer, boiled some water, and a read a little more. Now with my tea, I am reflecting on the small section of the book I have already read. The author seems to admire and idealize the love and relationship between John and Abigail, and his feelings are infectious. Having barely finished 16% of the book, I find myself creating an image of  a noble, affectionate, faithful, intellectually stimulating, understanding, and passionate love.

And that is something I aspire to achieve in my lifetime.