How the Suffix "-itis" May be Ruining the World

A couple of weeks ago I purchased a delightful book by Wilson Follett entitled "Modern American Usage: A Guide" (1966) from a used bookstore north of the Twin Cities. Being a word-nerd, an ESL teacher, and with my hobby of continuing my linguistic education, it would have been a crime not to buy this book. So far it has been money well spent.

Currently, this book has become my coffee table book. Placed right beside the latest William-Sonoma catalog (Yes! They are finally arriving at my apartment!), Mr. Follett's writings have brought me many moments of happy entertainment.

The following is an excerpt from his entry on the suffix "itis":

"-itis. As an ending attached to the name of one of the organs of the body, -itis denotes the irritation or inflammation of  that organ. Appendicitis is the great exemplar...To attribute to -itis the meaning of addiction, obsession, monomania, or simply It's a disease with him is a culpable affectation rooted in ignorance. Wagneritis, projectitis, discotehequitis, and the like are needless and silly."

I think his examples of the improper use for "-itis" not only date him, but may explain his disgust with the suffix's misuse. Also, the word "monomania" is excellent, and I am going to start using it as often as possible. People are going to start thinking that I have monomaniaitis.

*Quick! Take the Favorite Season survey!*

Look at my new dress!

Yesterday I went to the Apache Mall to do some birthday present shopping. In the next few days I will celebrate my mother's birthday, my grandmother's birthday, and my dear friend, Linnea's birthday. It has been over a decade that I have had this birthday schedule, and yet I still can't decide if it is very convenient or very inconvenient to have their birthdays so close together.

But the point was, I was shopping at the Apache mall for birthday presents, and it turns out that I actually do know people in Rochester. First off, Ashley was working at the Caribou. At Caribou, I only ever order tea. I didn't know what kind of tea I wanted yet, plus I kind of wanted to chat with the lady behind the cash (Ashley), so I let the man behind me go ahead of me. He was so nice, he ended up paying for my tea. I'm not exactly sure how that happened. One minute I don't have tea, then I do, and he gave Ashley a nice tip as well.

After seeing talking with Ashley as much is appropriate while she is working, I began wandering around the mall pretty aimlessly. During this time, I ran into three families of my students. It seems to me that is quite a bit. Then, when I was in the office this morning, our lovely Spanish interpreter came up and told me she heard me in Herberger's. She said I was on the phone with someone, and she couldn't see me, but she could hear me. She was right. I was definitely on the phone in Herberger's at some point Sunday afternoon. Over the course of the day, two other students came up and told me they saw me at the mall.

It should be said that I went to the mall with crazy looking hair, a jeans and boots combo that just was not working, and an older shirt. Good thing my students, their families, and my colleagues were all at the mall!

On the bright side, I got a new dress. In case you can't tell in the picture, it is a dark purple and black zig-zag pattern. It is too short for work, unless I end up wearing it with pants underneath, maybe. It is also not dressy enough for dress, so I may have to actually live the life of a person in their mid-twenties so that I can wear an informal dress. The best part ever is that it fits exactly right and it was on super clearance, so it was only $6. Needless to say, I was very excited.

Don't worry. I also completed my birthday present shopping.

Now excuse me as I return to sitting in the dark with a cat in my lap while watching sub-par television and drinking tea. Did I mention that I'm awesome?

On The Road to Spinsterhood

It may be a not-so-winding road, or perhaps more of a slippery slope, but irregardless of the analogy you prefer, all evidence points to me being well on the way to spinsterhood.

Very Scientific and Accurate Definition of "Spinsterhood":
A woman who has remained single long beyond the conventional age of marriage who perhaps also holds the occupation of spinning. She probably knits, has at least one cat she treats as her child, prefers to do lame activities, drinks tea, and certainly does not go out carousing on the weekends.

Based on this definition that I half made up based on mostly out-dated stereotypes observed in the media, I am well on my way. I try to knit. I have a cat who thinks she is a person, probably because I usually treat her as if she is a person. I prefer drinking tea and participating in "lame" activities such as playing board games, doing crossword puzzles, reading texts related to my job, and going to movies by myself. I am also of the opinion that going out to bars or dancing in public while scantily clad is not all it is cracked up to be.

Yesterday was Friday. I went in to work early to do some paperwork and cleaning. I stayed late at work to volunteer at the winter carnival at our school. I was gone from 7:25 am until a little after 9pm, and it crossed my mind more than once that my cat, Squeaky, was going to be annoyed and give me an earful upon my return home. She does not like when I am completely absent for such long periods of time without coming home and checking on her.

Once I got home, I immediately put on my pajamas, made tea, and settled down on the couch with pillows and several blankets to watch sub-par television. I'll admit I watched edited for regular TV episodes of "Sex and the City". Then I fell asleep early on the couch with my cat in my lap and had to drag my half-asleep self to my bed. That was how I spent my Friday night.

Today is Saturday. I spent the morning making myself a breakfast of a mocha, a pain au chocolat, and some cereal, and I ate it on my real dishes that even match. Following my breakfast, I putzed around the house for a bit, straightening up, folding laundry, making the bed with clean sheets, etc. Then I took a long, hot shower and vacuumed, fluffed couch cushions, and did dishes while my hair dried.

Don't worry. I did leave the house, today. I went to a movie all by myself. I went to the matinee of "Unknown" and had popcorn and pop, because why not live it up, right? The theatre was pretty packed with me, many middle-aged couples, and right before the show, two relatively attractive guys about my age sat one seat away from me. Choosing to ignore their presence, once the show began I ate popcorn like no one was watching. As the Protagitron knows, this means I ended up with about equal parts in my mouth and down my shirt. I am exaggerating a bit, but not much.

After the movie, I went in to work for a while and sat in the computer lab listening to my ipod, doing research on practice TEAE tests and ordering my copies for next week. Now it is Saturday evening, I have no plans or intentions to go out on the town or even meet up with people. In fact, I am looking forward to making Indian food and watching a movie by myself.

It won't be long, folks, before I look like this:

Does anyone know where I can get a reasonably priced rocking chair and a chain like that for my glasses?

Results of the "Most Awesome Canadian Province" Survey

You can't see me, but I am shaking my head and pursing my lips in disappointment. Really, folks? Only five of you could muster up the energy to choose a favorite Canadian Province? Even if you haven't been there, you could have chosen based on which one is the most fun to say, the shape on the map, or base it on the people you have met from those provinces.

Tsk, tsk, friends.

The results are as follows:

In your calm, objective opinion, which Canadian province is the best?

Quebec	(80%)
Ontario	(20%)
Alberta	(0%)
Manitoba	(0%)
BC	(0%)
PEI	(0%)
One of the other ones...	(0%)

In my calm, objective opinion, I would have to choose Quebec. My years living there were amazing. What a mixed up, crazy, wonderful place. They offer you such wonders as the Bloc Quebecois, Gilles Duceppe and his eerily blue eyes, Celine Dion, fireworks shows inspired by Celine Dion, the language police, and stop signs that say "arret". Come on, guys!

Of course I will acknowledge that Ontario has given the world one of my favorite people of all time, so that is one point for Ontario....

Do better this time, people. Remember to vote on the poll.

Groceries are Good

I love grocery shopping. It is definitely my favorite "chore" of all time, and possibly near the top of my favorite things to do. As a person who loves food, it seems only natural that I would enjoy going to a place where the walls are literally lined with food. I enjoy looking at all the brands, seeing what is available and planning future meals or snacks, reading ingredients, and shopping the weekly sales. I even enjoy comparing prices between brands. At Target and Cub Foods, they tell you how much you are paying per unit, and I love comparing these numbers. Don't assume I always buy the cheapest, though. No one should have to eat the no-name brand of Macaroni and Cheese! That doesn't mean I don't take the time to compare the prices, anyway.

It's ok. I know that I am a little bit on the crazier side. I choose to just go with it, though.

The pitfall of loving the grocery store is that even when I make sure to go when I am not hungry, and even when I make a list, I almost always end up with impulse buys. Trader Joe's is a dangerous fairytale land for me where I can impulse buy  delicious frozen dinners, fantastic cheeses, or inexpensive snack foods. While I love this store more than Hy-Vee, it is necessary that I attempt some show of self-restraint and only go every other time.

Today was a bad day for the grocery budget, but a wonderful day for my kitchen and stomach. Not only did I go to Trader Joe's, but I discovered a new little specialty store nearby called Zzest. In fact, Zzest not only sells "groceries" (I put it in quotes because it is, in my opinion, to fancy and expensive to be called "groceries" by us mere mortal folk), but it has a little cafe and wine bar with outdoor seating. Oh boy do I want to go back this spring or summer and sit under their little twinkling lights and have a glass of wine!

So, my first stop was Zzest, and I went in with the intent of just looking around. There were too many delicious things! With so many delicious and exotic options, it is a wonder I managed to walk out with only three items in my bag! I bought some new chai tea, hot chocolate with lavender, and some homemade jam.

Giddy with delight, I went over to Trader Joe's to get the perishables on my list. With the intent of purchasing milk, yogurt, one or two frozen dinners, and ONE treat, I chose to bring in my smallest re-usable bag. I admit I failed, though not as miserably as in the past. I ended up buying some new salad dressing (once I remembered that my other salad dressing was at work), some take-and-bake croissants, coffee, and spinach and artichoke dip.

Do I regret my purchases? Not at all. Not even a little, tiny bit.

The spinach and artichoke dip is already gone, and I plan on having coffee and croissants for breakfast!

*Last chance to vote on your favorite Canadian province! Vote now!*

A Very Meaningful Post

This past weekend was a good one, filled with lots of rest, food, and tea. Also, I went to a small used bookstore and bought a new book! I went in just to browse, which is dangerous since I enjoy books in print so much. With much will-power, I managed to re-shelve several books from the Minnesota, children's, historical fiction, and sci-fi. There was no escape from the reference section, however.

I admit here in front of all of you that I could not keep from buying Wilson Follett's "Modern American Usage: A Guide". This amazing text, assembled by who I gather is a crotchety old man and completed by Jaques Barzun, is truly a gem. As an enormous fan of books and a bit of a linguistics geek, it would have been a sin for me to leave this book unused on the shelf!

In a nutshell, Mr. Follett has an issue with "modern" day usage of English. As a "linguist" (please note that I put that in quotes. I try, folks. I really try.), I am of the belief that language is always changing and evolving....bada bada bada.....You English majors with your English Lit degrees can just take a hike. You're wrong, and I can end my sentence with a preposition if I want to. HA!

Anyway, I would love to share a gem from this delightful, delightful book.

"Meaningful. There is no reason in logic or linguistics why one may not freely use the suffix -ful to form adjectives from nouns on the pattern of joyful, painful, sinful, youthful and many other words so familiar as to give us no reminder that they are composed of stem plus suffix. There are, however, reasons apart from logic for why formations make us uncomfortable when they lack this unfamiliarity, especially when their stems consist of more than one syllable. Many of the comparatively recent -ful words call undue attention to themselves as improvisations; they bother the ear and produce effects of deterrent ungainliness. Perhaps the most common is meaningful, a product of the feeling that significant has been overused."

                                       Mr. Wilson
                                       Follett, 1966

So what have we learned tonight? The word "meaningful" sounds stupid - ungainly, even. Stop using it. And if you think the word "meaningful" is a ridiculous use of the suffix -ful, don't even get Mr. Follett started on that disasterous word (actually, he describes it as "hack") "suspenseful".

As in, the wait to see which Canadian province you think is the best is very suspenseful. Take the poll!

A Love Letter (To Minnesota)

My Dearest Minnesota,

There are so many reasons to love you, it is difficult to know where to start, but I will do my best to do you justice!

First of all, the fierceness and unpredictability of your weather never ceases to amaze me. In the Winter, your awesome winds, drifting snow, and freezing temperatures stay for months on end, creating a frozen winter wonderland. In the Spring, you bring in the sun, the warm breezes, and that delicious 50 degree Fahrenheit temperature that has us all basking up Vitamin D outside in only a t-shirt. But then, you again show your power, and with hardly any warning, your temperature plummets, and the world becomes completely white again as enormous quantities of snow fall from the sky and blow through the air, making it impossible to tell if the snow is coming up, down, or sideways! In the summer you graciously provide us with a ten minute warning – an ominous, glowing green sky – before pummeling us with roaring winds, torrential rains, and earthshaking thunder and lightning! Truly your weather is awe-inspiring in all seasons!

Your weather, oh mighty Minnesota, breeds a strong, hearty folk who cannot be stopped by little things such as blizzards, eight foot snow drifts, two inch visibility fog, thirty below or one hundred above temperatures, or blowing winds. In fact, not only are your sturdy people unstopped by your best efforts, but they are obsessed with discussing it. Minnesotans would be content to talk about the weather for hours on end, and we do! And do we roll our eyes or change the subject when someone begins a conversation about the most recent snowfall or temperature change? No! We chime in enthusiastically!

What is more, the sturdy folk driven to strength and confidence love butter, cheese, and believe – nay! KNOW – that a can of cream of mushroom soup can be added to almost any recipe to make it that much more delicious! You have created a people who thrive on dairy products and casseroles! And they are a happy, healthy people!

So happy and healthy have you built your population, that there is a term – Minnesota Nice – that rings true more often than not. Your people are excellent at making eye contact and smiling at each other. They chit-chat pleasantly at the check-out and let people with fewer items go ahead. They good naturedly say please, thank you, and excuse me while waving one another into a better parking spot, seat at the theatre, or spot in line.

One of your pleasantly polite folk stopped today to help me out. Unstopped by the onslaught of snow, I attempted to leave my parents’ home and return to Rochester so I would have time to do some work around my apartment. Unfortunately, I was got stuck right at the bottom of the long driveway. As I got out in my weather inappropriate shoes and began assessing the situation, a nice man in a Subaru pulled over and asked if I had anyone coming to help me. When I replied that in fact, no, no one was on their way, he hopped out of his vehicle with a shovel, not missing a beat. After a few minutes of both of us shoveling and scraping, he pushed while I drove out of the driveway. I got out to thank him profusely, but this man simply waved me off, laughing, and offered to help me clear the driveway more, so that upon my return I could enter more easily. When I told him I was actually on my way out of town, and thanked him again and again, he tossed his shovel in the back, and drove off. Where else is such kindess and help provided to selflessly?

Another amazing thing about you, my dear, dear Minnesota, is your shape. Of all the states, your shape is one of the most unique, and it is one I enjoy drawing. Even with my lack of art skills, I manage to pull off a recognizable Minnesota.

You also provide us with such wonders as the Minnesota State Fair, one of the most wonderful, amazing public gatherings in the world. With all you can drink milk, cheese curds, and chocolate chip cookies, any delicious food one can imagine is available! You even bring us such delights as the butter heads! And such is this beautiful state that I have actually had the opportunity to meet former Princess Kay of the Milky Way candidates and question them about the butter head process! And there are tractors! Need more be said?

The entertainment you have inspired and provided is also incredible. I was privileged enough to attend a Prairie Home Companion show over the weekend, and it was even better live than on the radio! The humor and personal touches are beyond what one could possibly desire. As Garrison Keillor entertained us with tales, songs, and jokes about you, Minnesota, I clapped and laughed along with the rest of the Minnesotan audience.

I must confess to admiring your extreme devotion to valuing education. You have instilled in your people a desire for education and a passion for higher and ongoing education. Learning is a way of life with you, Minnesota, and you provide so many opportunities for your people!

While certainly not the last of your great attributes and reasons for my love, I must end with how impressed I am that you manage to provide the lifestyle of small towns while bringing in the culture and worldliness available in larger cities. We have a strong sense of community, farms, farmer’s markets, orchards, hay rides, and people that can identify a field of crops, but you also give us the opera, the orchestra, art museums, and wonderful entertainment from around the world!

And so, my lovely Minnesota, I remain infatuated, delighted, and devoted to you. Should my life take me elsewhere for any period of time, please know that you will always hold a special part of my heart all to yourself.

                                           Lovingly yours,

                                                   Ivy McDougalhopper