To Do List for Tomorrow (Based on My Horoscope)

Last Thursday I participated in a Tarot Card reading where I learned that my life is full of emotional pain. Apparently I have been hurt too many times, and I have basically lost all of my trust in humanity. One of my friends is trying to help me, but I am so upset and distrustful and emotionally hurt, I want none of it!

This - er - insightful? - reading has inspired me to read my horoscope for tomorrow. Naturally, I turn to the experts at Elle magazine, Cosmo magazine, and Seventeen.

Elle magazine tells me that I should be expecting strong vibes tomorrow, but unfortunately, these don't seem like the "Good Vibrations" the Beach Boys sang about. Part of the horoscope says that "A hater in your circle is aiming the negativity wand directly at you..."Gosh. Those haters always getting me down! The wisdom of Elle suggests I kill them with kindness. After all, "she" is definitely just jealous of how awesome I am.

Cosmo surprisingly gave me nothing. I clicked on my daily love and sex horoscope, and this is what I got. How is that helpful at all? I know that my birthday is between those dates!

Seventeen pulled through for me, though. This quality publication provides me not only with a daily horoscope, but a beauty and love horoscope as well. Tomorrow, according to my daily horoscope, I am "like a hurricane" which means I should clean out my junk drawers apparently. Honestly, I really don't feel like doing that, but if my horoscope out of a trashy teen magazine that equates to true quality literature told me to do it, what choice do I have?

According to my Seventeen beauty horoscope, I need to use moderation and balance when exercising and eating junk food. Apparently, with all the junk I eat, going to the gym twice a week for 90 minutes just isn't cutting it. Little do they know I haven't been to the gym in months and months.

My Seventeen love horoscope is not as promising as I would have liked. It says I need to slow things down. To be honest, if I slow things down any more, I'm pretty sure I'll be going backwards. Instead of starting a relationship, I'll be actively trying to un-know that person. But if that is what Seventeen says needs to happen, so be it.

Because Cosmo failed me so terribly, I decided it was alright to visit horoscope.com or whatever to get a third opinion. Horoscope.com has high hopes for my day, however. Tomorrow - get ready because this is pretty exciting - people are going to come to me for guidance, and the answers to their problems will just come to me. I kid you not, the horoscope used the word "omniscient".

To Do Tomorrow

*Kill haters.....with kindness

*Clean out junk drawers

*Go to gym?

*Cut back on junk food?

*Slow down romantic relationships

*Solve all the world's problems

*Stop reading my horoscope