Last night I had a dream where I was in some sort of witch and wizardry school and had found the secret to making the best chocolate chip birth control cookies. Most of the dream was me trying desperately to hide the recipe and misleading others about how I actually made these super chocolate chip birth control cookies because obviously in the wrong hands these cookies could be a dangerous weapon.
One of my Baking and Witchcraft teachers had already invented the birth control cookie and was making quite a bit of money off of it. The problem was that it was only 80% effective, and since the witch and wizard community had apparently never heard of the pill or condoms, they were relatively pleased with this particular percentage. I, on the other hand, had grown up in the real world and knew that we could do better. With only 80% effectiveness, there was still that 20% chance there would be a new, unplanned witchling or baby wizard. So naturally I thought it my duty, even if only a student witch, to go out and make a more effective birth control cookie.
I'm a bit hazy on the details here, but I succeeded. I invented some sort of spell to cast on the vanilla that I put in the cookies, rendering the consumer infertile for exactly 24 hours after ingestion. My chocolate chip birth control cookies were better than my teacher's for a variety of reasons.
1. They worked for exactly 24 hours, and after that you went back to being crazy fertile. (Everyone knows that witches and wizards are insanely fertile. They can get knocked up at the drop of a hat!)
2. Unlike my teacher's 80% effective cookies, mine were 99.9% effective.
3. My cookies worked on male and females, so it didn't matter who ate the cookie.
4. I put twice as many chocolate chips in my cookies.
Now, realizing that I had a superior product, but that my spell could be detrimental to our witch and wizard society if it fell into the wrong hands, I told my teacher that my secret was using twice the amount of chocolate chips and adding a teaspoon of apricot jam to the cookie dough. My teacher must have been a dolt or had apricot jam for her brains, because she happily believed me and even insisted that scientifically, that made sense.
But an evil witch was on to me. She wanted to take my spell and use it to curse all of the vanilla in all of the Hy-Vee's across the land. But unlike mine, her spell wouldn't last for only 24 hours. This evil witch was hoping to make all the witches and wizards she didn't care for completely infertile for all of eternity! Dun-Dun- DUN! Then, she was going to only let her friends and co-conspirators procreate, and soon her bloodline would rule the world!
Think of that power! You could get into a fight with someone, then give them a cookie and pretend you were making up. But soon they would realize that it was a super-chocolate-chip-birth-control-cookie (Let's call it an "infertilzing cookie"), and your bloodline would soon be wiped off the face of the planet!
For this reason, to protect all of witch and wizardom while still providing reasonable birth control to the population, I shared my secret with no one. I made all the cookies myself and had my teacher work the store front, since I was so tired from all that sneaking around and baking. It was a very popular product!
That evil witch was always following me around Hy-Vee, thinking she was so sneaky hiding behind the displays of Ho-Hos and tomato sauce, but I knew she was there. The stress of this life and the burden it placed on me was beginning to be a bit much. The evil witch was spreading rumors and doubt that it was really the extra chocolate chips and apricot jam that was making the cookies successful. She told everyone I had invented a new spell and was holding out on everyone! Of course she was right, but I was really trying to protect the population here.
Then one day, the evil witch cornered me in the back of the baking good aisle at the Rochester South Hy-Vee, and she was making menacing comments, threatening to kill me should I not share my secret with her. Trapped, I didn't know what to do!
Then I woke up because my cat decided to lay down on my face. It is very hard to breath with a cat on your face, even if that cat doesn't have much fur.
Even though it was a ridiculous dream, I don't think that a chocolate chip birth control cookie is that bad of an idea. People might remember better if it was in the form of a cookie. And you could have it as dessert with lunch, and no one would even know! Or you could have a cookie for breakfast every morning. How could that be bad?
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