My Next Big Investment?

Are you sick and tired of normal toilets? Yeah. Me, too. If your current toilet only does standard toilet-y things, then your current toilet is not only sub-par, but lame.

Luckily, Kohler has created a new super-toilet that I'm sure will be in all American and Canadian homes by the end of this year. According to David Kohler, the company's president, "The luxury market's coming back in this country and (is) very strong in other parts of the world. This product is targeted at those consumers who want the best -- they want the latest in design and technology (and) want a fashion statement in their home." (USA Today) I couldn't agree more. As a United Statian (I'm convinced this will catch on.), I am always thinking about how the perfect way to integrate more technology and design into my home is to buy a really expensive toilet.

Oh, no - wait - that's not right. I have the bare minimum technology in my home, which is decorated primarily with used or clearance furniture as well as an eclectic variety of artwork, vases, trinkets from my travels, and books. While none of it goes together, I like to believe their is cohesiveness in the discontinuity of my decor. Also, I'm a renter, so the last thing I would think about spending money on is a luxury toilet.

Perhaps I am an American anomaly, however, and the rest of you are all lusting after fancy deluxe toilets. If that is the case, then you are going to be extremely excited by Kohler's Numi toilet.

As you can see from their website, the Numi toilet is an amazing piece of art with extraordinary features in design, comfort, and control. Not only does this toilet look really cool, but it has several, necessary technological features. Some of them actually seem like they would be pretty nice, such as the heated seat. The foot warmer also seems pretty nifty, although not really necessary. We have already invented socks, after all.

But while some features, such as the above mentioned, seem luxurious in a very reasonable way, the many other features of the Numi toilet verge on ridiculous. The toilet is covered in motion sensors, I guess, so that the lid raises and lowers as you go in and out of the bathroom. Even more sensors at the floor level have the toilet deciding for you if the seat should go up or down. I won't lie to you friends - If I walked into my bathroom more than half asleep at 3am, the whole movement of the lid going up and down might scare the living daylights out of me. It isn't just a little movement. Check it out.

Of course the advanced bidet functionality with integrated air dryer offers more than one setting. Not only can you choose the wand position, water temperature, and pressure, but you can choose between an oscillating, pulsating, or wave patterns. Naturally, the integrated air dryer provides more efficient drying. What did people do before integrated air dryers on their advanced bidet functionalities? That certainly could not have been efficient!

Another delightful feature of Kohler's Numi toilet are the illuminated panels on the side that supposedly create "a soft, inviting glow". My current toilet doesn't light up at all, let alone provide a "soft, inviting glow"!

Perhaps my favorite toilet feature of all time, however, is the music feature. The Numi has built in speakers, and not only can you choose to listen to pre-programmed audio, but you can scan through FM radio stations or the tracks on your mp3 player. How awesome is that? I wonder what kind of pre-programmed audio the Kohler folk chose to put on the Numi? Given its $6,300 USD price tag, I assume it is Handel's "Messiah", Beethoven's 9th Symphony, and various other grand musical compositions. For this price, an actual string quartet should come serenade the person.

I always thought that Japan was the country obsessed with oddly unnecessary technological advances in the field of toilets, but I guess I was wrong. Gone are the days where Japan leads the world in completely unnecessarily advanced toilets. The United States wants in on this crazy.

This young man has made a video of the toilet. I also learned from his blog that the touchscreen mini-pad can operate the toilet from up to twenty feet away. Unlike this man, however, I can understand why you would want to be able to control the toilet from twenty feet away. If a person spends all their money on a toilet, and that toilet has a built in radio/mp3 player, you have to be able to sit in the living room and continue enjoying the features of your ridiculously expensive toilet.

So even though I rent an apartment, I am a young, single teacher with student loans, I am currently scouring the job boards, and I have an uncertain economic future, I am still considering the Kohler Numi toilet as my next big investment.

That's a lie. No, I'm not. I am, however, seriously considering buying a pint of ice cream tomorrow.